random musings

alone?

today, as i walked my way home, scenes from a dry afternoon walk along tandang sora flashed before me.  the certain emptiness and the iCanDoThisOnMyOwn feeling washed over me as well.  that was 8 years ago.  today i felt the same way.

alone, but never lonely.  that's what i always thought.  that's what i have to keep thinking.

i can't keep living my life as though it depended so much on someone.  this said, have i just degenerated that someone into a habit?  clearly not.  at least to my mind, i have not.

a song plays in my mind right now.. "being with out you takes a lot of getting used to."  how apt.  hard habit to break.  haha.

no, you're not just a habit.  you are more than that.  damn the fact that you've become so integral that what you do actually affects me.

no matter.  tomorrow i'll be be fine.

no one but you

no one but you can make me feel so loved and hurt at the same time.  i don't know why but whenever i need an opinion that counts, it's yours which i turn to.  it makes me feel bad whenever i have disappointed you or you to me.
i don't know how it happened but somehow you just have this power to make or break me.  you define me in as much as i define myself, but then one word from you can spell a difference in every effort i have made;  it can render everythiing worthy or worthless.
you are the one whom i run to.. but right now, the one i run from.
need to get over this now.  your intentions are always good, of that i am sure.
i need to get over myself.  i'll be fine.

9:04 AM 9/14/2005

f&f ..2

eto epilogue:

several years later after the humiliating devastation the super-coders faced, old school-bat, spider-ag, goddess-B left unscathed and even gained much stronger powers after engulfing the enemy their worst defeat. the three move on with their lives assuming new identities.old school bat remain hidden and wont come out unless past 6oclock.spider-ag chooses to win back old-time's love and marries and gets to have 4lovely kids.goddess B retires to their ancestral house with the love of her life and nurtures 3 great kids.
the rest of the once-valiant, once-mighty, once-vibrant and energy-packed super friends are nowhere to be found. but someday, all paths will lead to one place where a new bred of super-fighters will come out to face new threats.

f&f

abah ayos ito.

fate has taken its course..history is written in fulfillment of the fate of its people hehe corny. pero eto ang history MÖÖnL!GhtT and Gee coincidentally left at the very same day leaving the super-heroes valiant fight off the air, then off Mocha went to join another group of super fighters, Ü and spidey got separated from the villain-fighting team, spidey re-joined the formidable team of the super-friends leaving Ü on another dimension. chingy followed next to Mocha, got another offer from another galaxy far far away, mama's frozen by some unknown energy or magic leaving the other foot inside the team's hideout as she was leaving, Gee by virtue of an uncanny factor's eyeing singapore to forge another yet incredible escape.the groups headqrtrs is under attack. doomsday's underway.

SHUT UP!!!

Stop complaining.  Stop grumbling.
Grumbling sucks the energy out of us.  It doubles the effort we have to exert into doing any task.  Stop it!

Stop being envious.
Envy is the cause of our illnesses. Physical illnesses are manifestations of the hurts we relive everyday.

Will you just for a moment stop?  Then you will see that life is indeed beautiful;  that all that we really need has been given to us;  that indeed we are blessed with so much!

There is more to life than the hurts and the past.  Live in the present.  The future has so much good in store for you.

We are called to excellence.  To be excellent is to live the way we were meant to.. and that is to the fullest.  Let not these things hinder us from becoming the best of who we really are. 

5:13 PM 8/4/2005

so blessed!!! :0)

It's all a blur.  What can I say?  It just lasted for two seconds, but man... pure bliss.

It was just yesterday when I said that I was expecting a blessing.  I didn't get what I was expecting yesterday, nonetheless, I trusted that something great was in store for me.

And there I was.  Twenty or so minutes of a firm resolution, then attacks of indecision and just plain ka-torpehan and then there it came.  2-5 seconds of pure bliss.

A smile is more than enough for me to swoon for weeks... well, at least that's what I think.  Hahaha.

When I think about it though, have I morphed from being a member of the disenfranchised proletariat (better known as a problematic office girl) into a giddy fan girl?  Haha.  I don't know.  Maybe I really don't care about that now.  All I know is that I met him in the flesh.  Well, okay fine.. he just passed by in front of me... and twenty or thirty something more girls, but heck!  He paused a bit, made eye contact (with me!!.. okay fine, and some others as well), SMILED that freaking killer smile, bowed a bit, then carried on.

Geezzz.. I'm having another rush of the shakes as I recall my experience.. hehehe.. ask blued.  I'm sure she'll tell you the same thing and even more.  Thanks for the pic, by the way.  :0)

Ang gwapo gwapo mo tlalga maaarrrtiin!!!!

whErE THe HeCK dID ThaT ComE FRoM?  (Heeheeeheee)  Deny, deny the sty in my eye.. hehe..

Basta, pramis ang gwapo nya!!!!  Pwede na akong.. huh..huh..huh.. himatayin..

Totally cute.  Sweet guy.  Lee Dong Gun.  Wish I could say MY Lee Dong Gun, but then I still remember that I have the rest of the world to share him with, so I'd keep myself content with those surreal 2-5 seconds of pure bliss.

Thank you, God!!! ;0)  So blessed, I can't contain it // So much you gotta give it away.

expecting blessings

Have you ever been in that situation when you really really really had to wait? That against your better judgment (and practical sense) you were really banking on something? Something wonderful. It need not be spectacular, but you know that when it happens, it's just pure bliss!

Right now, I'm banking on a miracle. Not so much in the sense that I'm expecting God to move heaven and earth for me to achieve the perfect life (or so I wish to think) that I want, but for Him to just surprise me with His love.

A few days back, I wasn't expecting anything, but when God gave me a little surprise.. hehehe.. I had to pounce on the opportunity. The experience was beyond any sadness, frustration or weariness I felt over the past days. It was God's surprising way of showing His love for me that I ended up being ever so ecstatic.

God can never be outdone in His generosity. I really do believe this. God's manifestation of His love just opened me up to better things. I was just overflowing with happiness that I had to share it with my siblings. My siblings and I have a good relationship.. or so I wish to believe, but in the outpouring of my happiness, I ended up spilling my "good news" to my sisters, thereby strengthening our sisterly bonds. Deeply immersed in our workaday world lives, it has been a long time since I and my sisters were able to have a good conversation like this. Truly, I received a blessing beyond what I had expected.

Right now, I'm waiting for this blessing to repeat itself. Haha.. If I don't get the answer I hope for tonight, I trust that God will surprise me in a different way; one which will nonetheless touch my inmost being. And if He does.. pure bliss. :0) 6:21 PM 7/20/2005

Fuel Running Low

What drives you? I'd always tell people that my strength is in my creativity and in my passion. Lately though, it seems that my passion has run low. I don't know what has happened to me. Or maybe I do know, and I just don't want to say it out loud for it just might come true.

For some time now, I have been tasked to take the lead (a.k.a. share in the glory and bask in the blame) in an office project. In moments like these, I get a high in proving my worth to myself and to others. Usually I try to rise to the challenge, no matter what it takes. Keyword being "usually". Lately, I have been bogged down with overlapping deadlines, commitments, playing hide-and-seek with signatories, my bosses and credit card telemarketers. I just can't seem to cope up with all these anymore. Lately, I find myself constantly seeking God's help -- for Him to pace me, for me to not worry and just trust in Him, but then to not be too complacent as well. It does work. It's just that sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and ready to give up.

I guess I am just blessed that my superior doesn't get mad (or maybe he's just keeping it to himself) that easily; Or that my superior is still willing to give me a chance to rectify my mistakes and pace myself as well. Gee whiz. It can really get tiring sometimes. I guess this is also God's way of keeping me holding on to Him -- that I learn to trust Him completely and lean not on my efforts alone.

So what drives me? God's grace. That much I am sure of. In this dog eat dog world I find myself so deeply immersed in, the only thing that really drives me is God's grace.

6:19 PM 7/4/2005

losing a big brother

I'm not really a blogger, but sometimes I just don't know whom to talk to and I don't know how to say it.. so here I am, typing away in this vast void called cyberspace.

I don't know what's come over me.  I feel like somehow I'm overreacting  I mean, for a cynic-turned-happy-go-lucky girl, I really shouldn't be affected much by what has happened.  I know that the only constant thing in life is change, and that you just can't hold on to anything forever.  Good or bad, we all move on.  We all grow up.  Fast or slow, it just happens.  We all just have to move on.  And that's the clincher.  I know very well that we all have to move on.  I know very well that we all have to grow up.  I know very well that these things are inveitable.  Why then couldn't I help but feel alone?  I feel as though I have been left by someone whom I have learned to depend on so much.  It's just so frustrating because I know that I ought to know better than to wallow in my misery, but then my emotions are getting the better of me right now.

Freak.  I'm losing another friend.  And more than just a friend, I'm losing my big brother.  Oh, don't get me wrong, she's definitely not male, the thing is though, she has come to be the big brother I never had.

I had a different big brother before, but that's a different story altogether.  Like my previous big brother though, they both played significant roles in my life when I was feeling lost and helpless in the office.  Whatever happened to the first big brother?  Well like this big brother, he had to move on.  Now it's her turn to move on.

I don't wanna go through the details of how she helped me get through my otherwise sad sad helpless and lost life.  Now that'll be sappy.  The thng is though.. I'm about to lose someone.. and I just can't help all these sappy emotions.  Ack!  The un-girl is feeling sappy.  What's the world coming to??

Hehehe.. :0)

I'm happy for you, my big brother.  I truly am.  I know you deserve this break that you're getting.  It's a great opportunity.. it's not a rare opportunity, but then again, it isn't something that just comes along your way everyday.  I really wish you the best.  It's just me being selfish wanting to hold on to you for as long as I could.  I guess I'm losing my security blanket (again).  But don't you worry, big bully bro.  I will not make you regret having moved on.  (As if I had THAT much influence on you.. hahahah).  All I know is that I'm gonna make you proud. I do beleive that when people are beset with problems they either rise up to the challenge or crumble into dust.  I'll shine.  By God, I will shine.  The torpe thing is another story though.. haha.

Wishing you all that's good.   :0)

borrowed from wislawa szymborska

i got this from watching turn left, turn right (gigi leung, takeshi kaneshiro).. so many times i had to pause the player as i tried to jot down the english translation flashing as subtitles in the screen.  as i type this into my blog, i can't help but remember my friend who used to keep my hopes up by telling me that our destiny was just around the corner.. that all we had to do was wait for the wonderful surprise fate (or in our more spiritual sense, God) had in store for us.. and to this day, we eagerly await until we become the perfect complements meant for whoever they may be.  :0)

good morning, God!  :0)

both are convinced

that a sudden surge of emotion bound them together

beautiful is such a certainty,

but uncertainty is more beautiful

because they didn't know each other earlier

they thought nothing was happening between them

what of the streets, stairways and corridors

where they could have passed each other long ago?

i'd like to ask them whether they remember

perhaps ever being face to face in a revolving door

or an 'excuse me' in a crowd

or a voice 'wrong number' on the receiver

but i know their answer,

no, don't remember..

they would be greatly surprised

that for a long time

chance had been playing with them

not yet ready to transform into fate for them

it approached them

backed of,

then suppressing a giggle,

jumped to the side.